(Was actually a few days ago, I spent it watching The Babadook, but this was already starting when that happened, and came to a head shortly after, and I thought it made a good post title.)
For those who don’t know, my dad has been sick for a long time. When I wasn’t even a year old, the doctors told him that he wouldn’t live five years, and that if he lived one, he’d be bedfast. Which is to say that he’s been on borrowed time my whole life, and for most of that, he was in pretty good health. The last few years, though, his health has deteriorated rapidly, and there’s no real likelihood of him getting anything but gradually worse and worse.
Earlier this week, my mom and one of my brothers took him to the emergency room, and he spent Christmas in the hospital. They’re still running tests, and as of today we don’t know anything more than we did when we took him in. But really, at this point, there’s nothing to learn except how long or short the timeline is, how bumpy the road from here to there.
I’ve never been exactly close to my dad, we didn’t see eye-to-eye much when I was growing up, and that hasn’t changed a lot now that I’m on my own. But I have always been close to my mom, and this is taking its toll on her, and regardless of the whys or the wherefores, all of this has hit me pretty hard, especially this most recent time. Maybe it’s just the futility of all of it, the sheer number of repetitions of this same scenario, the fact that we all know that this train only goes one direction. I’m not really sure, and I don’t really want to analyze it too closely, but it means that the last few days have been rough, and I don’t know how soon the days will stop being rough.
I’m also dealing with a few health issues of my own–nothing life-threatening or even particularly serious, just annoying and draining–and a barrage of unexpected medical bills and increased prices on medications and various other quotidian woes and so on that have all taken their toll. In spite of that, I had a good Christmas. I spent quality time with friends and family that I am close to, received thoughtful gifts, and didn’t give as many in return as I would have liked.
In general, I try to keep this kind of stuff off my web presence. I’m not here to talk about this sort of thing, I’m here to talk about monsters and ghosts and such nonsense. But I felt weird about not mentioning this, like if I didn’t at least put it out there, someone would start to notice something a tiny bit brittle about my usual facade. So here it is.
There’s not really anything for anyone to do, or to say. Just bear with me, as I try to make the best out of whatever I have to work with.